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  • Laura Alvarado-Newson

Mom, I'm sick of this!

In the hospital with possible pneumonia. In the words of my 14yr old "I'm sick of this!" And add my words "will we ever catch a break???" I told my daughter that I, too am sick of this!!! Sick of crying, sick of sleepless nights, sick of cancelled plans, sick of juggling my outside world from inside of a hospital.  Sick of feeling guilty because I am not superhuman!  My daughters show signs of mild ptsd from losing their dad, they can't stand the mention of hospitals. I fought with myself, try to treat my son at home to save my girls from emotional anguish? Or bring him and now manage hospital drama along with my daughters' emotions and fears. Not fun guys! I knew I had done all I could for my son and now he needed treatments I don't have at home. Add to the mix, the fact that I haven't had more than a couple hours sleep in 4 days, I am no longer alert enough to make proper decisions, so off to the hospital!  

Now to enter the world where nurses will poke, assess, suction, insert catheters, IV's and nasal canulas; while the doctors ask me the same questions over and over again, and the medical students dare ask me "are you sure?" All the while calling me mom.  For the record, I am NOT your mom!

I feel my heart tear in two; one half in the hospital, the other half at home with my girls. I used to leave girls with their dad, they would watch movies, eat out...dad would distract them. Now things are different. My girls have no other choice but to face reality and their feelings. My 14 year old to grow up a little more and care for her sister. I face my own feelings, I feel like half of a human doing a job of one whole human. I had to get over my hatred of hospitals, my fear of death....no time for ptsd...I am a single mom!  A single mom who somehow must be 2 places at once. 

 Is there enough coffee in the world? I do know, this too shall pass and God is still on His throne!  

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