First 2018 post "Happy New Year" A lot has happened, a lot has changed.
Where do I begin? Oh yes, Happy New Year! Wow! Another year. A new beginning, a lot of hope, a little anxiety. When you have a track record like mine, you wonder "what's next?"
It's been awhile since I posted. I have been exhausted and very much "in the air" about life. The one sure thing? God is good. Another sure thing? God is faithful! Yet another sure thing? God is and will be always on His throne. Despite my mistakes, my emotions, my attempt to fix things and ultimately fail....God is always there to pick up the pieces and with His tender, loving voice say "My child, may I please? I have a better plan, a plan that will blow your mind". So now I expectantly wait to see what God has for me and my children.
One of the biggest and scariest challenges is not having a caregiver right now. This is so hard! Caring for an 18 year old young man, my son, who depends on others 100% for everything, is draining to say the least. He is not that tiny child I used to care for. I am physically, emotionally and mentally exhausted! I love my son and will give until my body says "no more". I am praying that won't happen any time soon, my boy needs me, and yes, I need him. I have to be able to do this, I am not ready to let him go to a facility. Putting him in a facility would just add to the pain of loss we are still feeling. The loss of a husband, a provider, a strong arm, a father, and add the loss of a son and brother? No thanks, not ready! So I press on, move forward in God's strength and mercy. Every day wondering where the strength and stamina will come and many times I don't know it's there until I take the first step. That's how God works many times, it's called walking by faith, taking that step not knowing where it leads or if you can handle it, and He is faithful, He always shows up.
I am learning many lessons. One lesson is really picking my battles instead of trying to fight every single one. I will not waste my time on trivial problems any more. Also, it is impossible for me to please people as I go through this trial. I focus on caring for my children, my home which provides shelter for my babies; the cars which gets my children to and fro, and the friendships that do nothing more than offer encouragement and grace. There is no longer any room for criticism, demands, high expectations, and judgment. God is my judge, God knows me, my heart, my desires and I long to please Him and Him alone.