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  • Laura Alvarado-Newson

I didn't know, I'm sorry


Big wave of grief hitting tonight as I lie in bed thinking about the 1 year anniversary is fast approaching. October 18th, our lives changed forever. To make matters heavier, his birthday is a week later and to make matters the heaviest, I suddenly remembered we began dating at the beginning of October. So, October: a month full of memories, heartache and tears.

Tonight a lot of regrets are manifesting. I wish I would have known he was sick a lot sooner. Maybe I could've done something to prevent him from leaving this world so soon.

I say to you Jorge: I'm sorry. I didn't know. You hid it so well. You knew. So many times, randomly you would tell me that if you died first, you wanted me to remarry, be happy. I would get so mad at you, I never understood why you would bring that up. We would playfully argue who would go first, but you were so insistent, that you were leaving first. You knew. There were those scary nights when I would wake up with thoughts of you dying, not understanding where those thoughts came from...I felt guilty for having those thoughts, this went on for years. All along, it was God preparing my heart.

I'm sorry, I didn't know you were sick. If I would've known, things would have been different. I would've strived to get you well, to take care of you. You hid it so well. You were trying to be strong, trying to protect us the best way you knew how. Instead all I saw was a man who got quieter and quieter, more and more distant, with me and your daughters. Maybe you thought by distancing yourself, in the end, the pain wouldn't be as severe. In our eyes, you seemed distracted, almost bored with us, sometimes angry, other times it was like you hated me. You were sick and we didn't know, I'm sorry. We worked harder and harder to make you smile, to make you love us again, it became exhausting, all because we didn't know, I'm sorry. I became tired of trying, I allowed myself to get frustrated and almost bitter. Just when bitterness almost settled in, your symptoms became clear, something was seriously wrong. I entered into a new role, the role of trying to figure out what was wrong with you, the role of caregiver. Nothing else mattered because I knew once we got you to the proper specialists and you got the proper care, you would begin to heal and we would begin to heal and the next chapter in our life as a couple would begin...a healed marriage, a new beginning, an abundance of testimonies of the tests and how God brought us through. Wait a minute, it didn't happen that way. God has other plans.

Tonight I choose to cry...

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