I'm not the same
Jorgie had a seizure this morning and he is ok, he didn't need to go to the hospital. Now just have to figure out the why. He could be getting sick or had a sudden growth spurt and meds couldnt cover or his brain just wanted to have a seizure. These challenges are that much harder without my husband here. I used to face these situations so much better, now it takes every ounce of energy not to fall apart. I used to be able to handle multiple crisis' at a time, now just one call threatens my well being for the rest of the day. What has happened to me? Some days I want to fall apart, I need to fall apart at the seams just for a minute, but I can't. Kids need me, people depend on me, things have to get done. I am mentally and emotionally exhausted. Life and some people don't care. What's simple and normal to you causes panic and confusion for me. The bills must get paid, the trash taken out, the cars are disgustingly dirty, I have to find my groove in the kitchen again, we can and should only eat out so much. My kids need to go to the dentist, and so on! Things that should be easy, become big mountains I must climb. I dance a victory dance when I cook a meal, when I pay a bill, or make a call. I have changed! Many people ask me, "how do you do it?" I can only give credit to God. He gives strength to move us above and beyond our feelings and circumstances. So, no doubt, I am changing, losing my husband has changed me. I trust I am in God's hands and this re-molding of broken pieces will turn into something good. But oh! How I long to feel stable, strong and balanced again. I was never 100% there, but I was more there than I am now.