I just need to talk.
One thing I miss is having someone to help me fight this battle. It was hard enough becoming a special needs mom to a severely disabled boy, grieving the healthy baby boy I thought I was having and embracing this tiny helpless 1lb baby that would need 24 hr care for the rest of his life. Not one single milestone was ever reached, I don't know what it feels like to be hugged by him because of his spasticity and he has never said mom, or momma, or mommy. I love him severely with all my heart, any one who knows me, knows that; but it is hard being a special needs mom. It is so hard! So let's make things that much worse by becoming a widow. What the hell??? My marriage wasn't the easiest, but one thing for sure, my husband and I fought these special needs battles together. My husband was 100% there when a special needs crisis hit. We were there for each other when one of us fell off the wagon of faith and needed to shake our fist and scream "WHY???" God always made sure only one of us fell off that wagon at a time so the other could lift up, hug, hold, listen.
So what brought this on? Why am I so upset? Wow, I actually think I'm having a panic attack. I get a call from my son's respite program, he ripped out his g-tube mic-key button from his stomach. Fortunately he is fine, surrounded by amazing nurses and staff, they got it back in with little bleeding and per nurse he is laughing. So why am I so upset? I don't know. I'm tired maybe. I feel so alone right now. Just the fact that I get a call regarding my son sends chills down my spine ever since his accident in 2011 and I have no one to talk to, to cry to. I would talk it out with my husband, I would cry to him. We were supposed to be in this battle together and some days it feels like he abandoned ship! I know it was on God's calendar for my husband to be taken home, to be healed, to live in heaven. I have so many mixed emotions right now its not even funny.
Being a special needs parent is really hard and heart breaking, mentally exhausting, emotionally exhausting, physically exhausting. Being a widow is really hard and heart breaking, life-changing, devastating, mentally exhausting, emotionally exhausting, physically exhausting. Are we supposed to combine the two? This seems like such a destructive formula. I face so many crisis and hardships by myself, no one to lean on.
Right now I feel like I have nothing left. Nothing! The only hope that I have is that I have been in this dark place before under different circumstances and, somehow, miraculously, no idea how, God gets me out of bed the next day.
So here's to tomorrow!