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  • Laura Alvarado-Newson

Just Hug Me (I still need you)


I am reading a lot about widowhood, and there is something that stands out and I don't like it one bit. Most widows will lose 75% of their friends during the heaviest time of grieving. According to many articles. What? Unfortunately I understand why this happens and there are two sides to this coin. Friends begin to distance themselves because they feel helpless, they hate watching their friend, the widow(er) suffer, so it is just easy to cut ties. They also lose patience "sheesh, it's been 2, 6, 15 months, years...he/she should be over it by now". Also, the widow(er) begin to feel so disconnected, like a third wheel wherever we go, out of place...it is just easier emotionally to stay home and decline invites. Unfortunately I find myself starting to do this. I am shocked at how much more aware I am at the immense number of couples and families every where. My 8 yr old says our family isn't a whole family any more and I can't disagree as it does feel like we are broken, there is a big fat hole in our family.

Let me stop, because another reason friends disappear is that people are uncomfortable with the heartache and realities the widows(ers) go through. I have to say, especially if the widow(er) is a Christian. We should be bouncing back and moving forward in victory, with the comfort that our loved one is with the Lord. Of course, it comforts me that Jorge is with Jesus, but...hello...it is not an easy task to move forward after having worked so hard to build a home and marriage with this man for 19 years. I am trying though, holding my broken heart and 3 smaller broken hearts in my hands. So that said, I don't want or plan on losing my friends, so my goal is to be a part of that 25% who still have friends left as we find our way through this valley to the other side. So to make it easier on every one, here you go:

  • Don't try to figure me out right now...JUST HUG ME! (I am very unstable as I try to figure out how to walk this new path in life without him)

  • Don't try to fix me or rush my healing, only God can do that...JUST HUG ME!

  • Don't ask how I am doing...JUST HUG ME! (if I am feeling any differently or there is a breakthrough, you will know)

  • Don't ask me if I'm feeling better... I am not getting over a disease...JUST HUG ME!

  • Please Don't freak out if one minute I appear fine and happy and next minute I'm quiet, crying or just appear generally anxious/insane. This sadness comes in waves, very impolite waves that hit, not caring where and when, it just happens...JUST HUG ME!

  • Don't feel obligated to answer or comment on every post on my grief, just typing it is therapeutic for me. JUST SAY A LITTLE PRAYER (I may feel stuck and confused in that moment)

  • Tell me you miss him too...AND HUG ME! If I don't want to talk about him, I will tell you.

  • Tell my kids you miss him...AND HUG THEM!

  • If I am not around sometimes, don't take it personal, sometimes I just need to be alone with my pain and with God.

  • Please stop telling me I'm strong, I am not and I am just being set up for failure...JUST HUG ME!

  • Don't know what to say? JUST HUG ME!

This is probably the most uncomfortable request, if you really want to pray, help, talk to me, first close your eyes and put yourself in my place. How much do you love your spouse? How much do you enjoy having him/her around? How much do you depend on them physically, emotionally, spiritually and practically (bills, chores, repairs)? What are some of those special moments that are only shared between you and your spouse? How do you two spend birthdays, anniversaries, Christmas, vacations? Now, sadly for a brief moment, imagine your spouse vanishing, he or she is gone! What do you do with all of the above? The Loss is intense!

I just ask for compassion and patience; as a matter of fact, all widows(ers) need compassion and patience as we heal; as well as all of those who have suffered loss, whether a child, sibling, parent, grandparent, etc. This is a hard road.

I ask every one for patience. I don't know how to do this, I am taking one step at a time, some steps are big, some small, some steps I fall to my face and crawl for awhile until I find the strength to get back up.

Some moments it seems impossible to take the next step, but that's when I look up and say "with God, nothing is impossible" and He strengthens me for my next step.

Thank you for your unconditional love for me and my children as we continue our journey through this valley.

-laura

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