Makes no sense
"It is not so much the suffering as the senselessness of it that is unendurable" -Friedrich Netzsche
This says it all, this doesn't make sense. I don't understand how this was a good idea. Past trials, past heartbreaks, as painful as they were became clear instruments of God's hand. This time, I don't get it. All I see, all I feel, all I sense is deep pain, a deep loss, a devastating void that cannot be filled. No one has the answer or reason, just a helpless look or a super-spiritual cliché.
Many who love me reassure me I am not alone, but I am. I can be surrounded by many, yet be alone. This is my dark tunnel, no one can get in and I am having a hell of a time getting out. I hate this darkness, and I do hear God's voice but this pain is causing such a disconnect in my spirit. I try to pray but feel pain, I read the Word but feel numb to any comfort. I am trying, I have had success in wearing a mask for others. A mask that says I'm strong, I got this, great woman of faith, see I'm still here; I care about them and don't want them to worry too much. Some want me to talk, cry, scream, cuss in front of them, but that does just as much good to me as drinking nonalcoholic wine or decaf coffee...WHAT IS THE POINT! I am so beyond needing to vent, I want a cure for this pain; better yet, I want Jorge back!
Someone asked me today after wishing me a happy new year if I was better. Yes, of course, this virus called "my husband of 19 years is dead-itis" is clearing up. I mean I certainly can't come into a new year mourning my husband who just died 2 months ago. How dare I! I wonder how many believe I should be getting over this by now?
All I can pray right now is for God to give me the desire and strength to go on living for my children, because my heart and soul are done! I'm tired of hurting and missing him and just when I think I have cried the last tear, more waves of incredible pain surface.
I hope God has more patience with me than people, for I am broken.