In the valley at 1:38 Am
Every time I close my eyes I see his face. I am stuck in between never wanting to close my eyes and desiring to close my eyes forever. There is only one thing I am really sure of right about now, in this valley, I have gone insane. I feel alright one minute, hit the floor the next; I finally got it, then I don't get it. I come to terms with his departure, only to feel in absolute denial 15 minutes later and swear that this is a cruel nightmare and I will wake up to him by my side and everything will be okay. My heart cry alternates between "why did you take him, Lord?" to "why did you leave me Jorge?" to "Thy will be done." "I miss him so much!" My tongue bounces back and forth from praising my God, my only comfort and strength to silence! I cover my mouth intentionally to avoid spewing out all of the profanity that sits in my hurting heart. I warned you, I am not well.
Every one keeps saying that in time it will get better, well time is moving forward and my longing for him only grows deeper and it seems the more tears I cry the more I have. How is that even possible? Some days the pain in my heart turns from emotional to physical pain, yesterday was bad. I stand on that fine line of being a woman of faith and being a woman of wine. I resist the urge to overindulge as I am still mom to my three beautiful children and caregiver to my beloved son. These children are keeping me from falling in too deep. One thing's for sure, I will never and I mean NEVER judge that woman I see sprawled out on the street in a drunken stupor, or that man who is standing on a ledge ready to end it all. I will never speak a word of criticism to that woman who seems to have nothing but profanity to say. I will pray for them! They could be grieving the love of their life without the help of the Lord. I don't dare to think about my condition and decisions if I didn't have my one true hope and refuge to run to: Jesus.
So next time, you see a person driving erratically on the highway, or you meet a person with bitterness oozing out of their ears, pray for them! You have no idea of the news they might have just received or the heavy burden of pain they are lugging around inside as they try to get through another dark day.
Lastly, I see you my dear praying friend. You read my posts and you are right, there are no words and that is okay. You are right, there are no words except for the repetitive insanity from my heart. I am sorry I have put you in a corner with no where to run; forced to witness my sadness and pain. I have always been one to take care of others, to protect other's hearts even at my expense. Today I ask for your patience, your unconditional love. Don't ask me how I am doing, I don't have the strength to lie and I haven't found an "I'm ok" mask that fits yet. You do not have to say anything, a hug will do, a prayer even better, and just promise me you will be there when I need you...