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  • Woman in the Valley

Yea though I walk...


Okay, with each passing longer-than-life day, unbelieving that I just lost my husband 21 days ago. I feel like I have been in this hell for at least a year, each dragging day a turning of the knife in my heart; missing him, longing for him, angry at him, confused, and some days back into complete denial, expecting him to walk through that door any moment now. Expecting to wake up from this nightmare, ready to grab my pillow and beat him as he sleeps besides me, as I have done many times when I have those awful dreams where he is responsible for some pain or heartache, poor guy always took a good pillow beating those mornings, at the mercy of my over-active, exhausted subconscious mind. After the pillow beating, he would laugh and hold me, told me that (whatever it was) would never happen. Well, it did! Now what? I am reading what all of the professionals call the process of grief and I am not in the least bit amused. Some say grief can last months, others years. I have met people who are grieving and many say the grief and anguish never go away. Let me get this straight; My husband, the love of my life, is worshipping, rejoicing, celebrating with Jesus, free of pain and sickness and I am handed a one-way ticket to hell?

I don't think so...

I don't want to spend the next months or years doubled over by emotional breakdowns. I don't want to dread holidays, family get-togethers, life. Deep in my spirit I know that God's will was done, Jorge's desires have been met and although my heart is broken in a million pieces, my life and my children's life have been changed for ever; I am also becoming far too aware that no matter how strong my heartache, my grief, my pain, my temper tantrum-I cannot reverse the clock, I cannot bring back the love of my life.

I know there is a valley my children and I must walk through, but I am now determined to find peace and joy in this valley. My Jorge is in the very presence of the author of peace and joy and I find it hard to believe that my husband or my Lord would desire that my children and I live in despair and anguish.

I am going to look for the flowers, the butterflies, the sunrises and sunsets, springs of fresh water, the beautiful shady trees and the warmth of the sun, God's sweet comfort and His strong arms around me, as I walk through this valley and I will guide my children to do the same. Will there be tears, heartache, strong emotion along this journey? Absolutely! However, I refuse to allow my children and I to become captives to death and despair.

"Yes, though I walk through the (deep, sunless) valley of the shadow of death, I will fear or dread no evil, for You are with me; Your rod (to protect) and Your staff (to guide), they comfort me." Psalm 23:4 (AMP)

As my beautiful 13 year old said a few days ago: "mom, life is too short to be sad"

So here we go, through the valley...

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