My husband Jorge: Strong and Courageous until the end.
A week ago today, we laid my husband's body to rest. In God's perfect will, Jorge was called Home on October 18th, after a long battle with illness and weakness. Some would say his sickness won, I say that is not so. My husband's victory is shown through his surrender to Jesus and His will. This is how I want my husband to be remembered. I shared this at his memorial service and now I share with you:
"This is my command—be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.”
*This is my husband's favorite verse. Many details escaped his mind in these past few months but this verse was always present in his mind and heart.
Jorge is strong and courageous. From stepping out of the box to pursuit me and make me his wife, to standing strong at the dramatic births of his 3 precious babies, to courageously caring for his special needs son and standing strong for his beautiful daughters. Jorge was strong and courageous up until the last breath he took. He never took his eyes off of Jesus, the last few weeks he spent endless hours outside in our backyard silently but intensely looking up to heaven. I was certain there was a deep and serious conversation going on between him and His Heavenly Father. Now it all makes sense, he was pouring his heart out to Jesus about how tired he was of battling with his weakening body; and Jesus in response filled him with His peace and reassurance that He was with Him and would fulfill this final desire of Jorge's heart. That desire: to be strong and healthy, free from illness, no more pain, no more tears, no more doctor's appointments and therapies.
Psalm 37:4 says: "Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you your heart’s desires." My husband was strong and courageous through our 19 beautiful years of marriage, including these last 2 of intense trial and tribulation. He never stopped delighting in the Lord. His last words to our beloved pastor were that He was ready to be with our Lord Jesus and Jesus took delight in freeing his beloved son from pain and suffering. This is the hope we have, those of us who take delight in Jesus, death is only a temporary separation.
My hope and your hope? we will see Jorge again one day! This is a promise for those who delight in Jesus as their Lord and Savior. Our pastor asked my beloved husband as he lay in the hospital bed "are you ready?" My strong and courageous husband responded that he was ready. Having been honored to see and know my husband's heart for 19 years, this is what he would say to you: Be strong, be courageous, delight in the Lord and be ready! May the Lord bless and comfort your hearts during this painful time.*
19 years of marriage.
So now my heart is broken in a million pieces. Although these pieces and my spirit are comforted and reassured by the fact that my husband is free, whole and happy, worshipping at the feet of Jesus. My emotions, my body and my heart ache for him deeply. What am I supposed to do now? I feel extremely lost and lonely. These last 19 years were based on our marriage, our life as a couple divinely united by God, on the goal of becoming that true Godly wife my husband could be proud of. Mostly everything I did, I said, I wore, I cooked, I cleaned...were all done to the tune of "will this please my husband?" "how can I make him happy today?" Of course deep down knowing that as I pleased my husband I was pleasing my God, who is the number one passion in my life. Jorge knew that from the very beginning. Before our relationship became too serious I had to make something very clear. I told him that he needed to always remember that I would always love the Lord more than I loved him. I also told him that my desire was that he would love the Lord more than he loved me. What better love can a wife receive than love from a man who seeks to please God above all else, and vice versa.
And so...Jorge did, he chose to be with His Lord above all else. Me? Well, right now I am waking up to care for our children, I am putting on a strong face for them all the while hurting, wondering, thinking...what now Lord?
Every one keeps asking me how I'm doing, possibly waiting for that magical day I wake up and say "I'm great!" "Life goes on!" "Let's do this!" I, too, wait for that magical day when the pain and intense longing for my husband stops. Until then all I can say is:
I miss him so much and I feel so lost...