What if I fail the test, Lord?
Once I realized that this journey was a testing of our faith, a testing of our trust, a testing of our willingness to surrender it all; I also spotted a really big fear in my life, I was finally able to put this fear into words: I don't think I'm strong enough to pass this test! I want to pass it with my whole being, I do. I want to come out of this victorious, shouting how we, in the name of Lord, took down the giants one by one and now we stand on top of the mountain, winners! The reality is, as I sit here, after a very long, exhausting day, sipping a glass of chardonnay (sorry, it is not my intention to offend but to be real), with a lit aroma candle beside the computer and instrumental hymns playing, I realize how weak I am and I face that horrible question: what if I fail You, Lord? All of these years striving to please You, wanting to make You happy, knowing there is more to this walk than religion, I have always wanted more Lord, more! Now I sit here wondering what if I allow this resentment in? Resentment about how so much is on my shoulders every day, all day and my husband's burdens seem to be so few. Of course, deep down I know he struggles and he carries the heavy weight of his limitations due to the stroke, but all I see is a guy napping while I tackle one task after another without stopping for air because the ticking clock is now my enemy. What if this sadness swallows me alive? The sadness that surfaces when I see my husband trying to communicate something and it doesn't come out, or when I feel like I am guiding him like I would guide a 2 year old. I praise God that this isn't every day, but it happens and it is so painful because the yearning for the man I married becomes so intense. I am learning how to shake it off, like our dog shakes off the water after a swim in our pool, but once every one is peacefully in their beds and the house is quiet, everything I shook off and every thing I let slide throughout the day re-appears to torment me and disrupt my sleep. Sometimes I want to just tell the Lord, move on Lord, I am not who I thought I was, I have failed you, I have failed my family, I am failing!!!! I'm supposed to stand in front of some lovely women tomorrow and share a word the Lord gave me for them; but I feel too broken to do so. Who am I to stand up and talk about how to defeat the enemy when so many times I feel like he is defeating me.
I am reminded of Paul's words:
2 Corinthians 4:8-10, 16-18 (NLT)
8 "We are pressed on every side by troubles, but we are not crushed. We are perplexed, but not driven to despair. 9 We are hunted down, but never abandoned by God. We get knocked down, but we are not destroyed. 10 Through suffering, our bodies continue to share in the death of Jesus so that the life of Jesus may also be seen in our bodies.
16 That is why we never give up. Though our bodies are dying, our spirits are[c] being renewed every day. 17 For our present troubles are small and won’t last very long. Yet they produce for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever! 18 So we don’t look at the troubles we can see now; rather, we fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen. For the things we see now will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see will last forever."
There have been times when my daughters come to me in complete distress. This distress usually caused by guilt, or sadness because someone called them a name or they have repeatedly brought themselves down in their own minds. This is when I hold them and begin to declare how loved they are no matter what they do and the only labels they should carry are daughters of the Most High, unconditionally loved and forgiven, beautiful and smart, with complete access to God's throne through Jesus. I, then, cup their chin in my hand and force eye to eye contact and ask them "do you understand?" and I will keep asking until they sincerely nod and/or say "yes mommy". This usually provokes tears from all sides and we hug for a long while and may follow our moment with chocolate. Therefore, I hear the Lord's sweet voice loud and clear. "You are pressed but not crushed, You are perplexed by your situation but not driven to despair, you are hunted down by sadness and resentment but never abandoned by God. You may have gotten knocked down today, but you are not destroyed!" The Lord will say to me: "do you understand?" Yes Father I do.
So as I face tomorrow, I will not look at the things I see rather I will fix my gaze on things that cannot be seen for they will last forever! And as long as the Lord is with me, goes before me and is all around me, I will pass this test!
Ok I feel better now, thank you for joining me in my vent!