Under all these layers
I am realizing more and more that although I have many desires; desires to succeed, desires of prosperity, desires of beauty, desires to over-achieve, yes many fleshly desires, there are two intense desires deep down, under the layers of all of these superficial desires that are fighting to take first place in my life:
1) I desire deep down to see God, to know His presence and hear His voice clearly. I am becoming weary of bowing down to my emotions and thoughts; tossing me to and fro; worrying when God clearly states not to, striving when God clearly states to be still, wondering when God clearly has everything under control.
2) I desire that those who encounter me, do not go away just knowing me, admiring my "strength" or perseverance but walk away recognizing that only God can give such a weak woman this kind of strength and wisdom. I desire that those of you who meet me will walk away with a deep desire to know God. I want you who know me, who talk with me, who hang out with me, to see something bigger than me and my weak abilities. I desire you to walk away with your own faith renewed knowing that when your storms hit, God will be with you and strengthen you just as He is strengthening me as a woman and us as a family. I want to reflect God and His glory in your life.
Many people ask me "how do you do it?" Or say, "you are such a strong woman". My answer is, no I am not! I am weak, I make mistakes, more than you know. Anything good, strong, positive or wise you see in me, all comes from above, from God and His grace and mercy; without Him I wouldn't be standing, smiling, laughing or sober. I fear to imagine where I would be or what type of woman I would be without God and His amazing grace in my life.
I have a long way to go before I can truly reflect His amazing, glorious presence in my life. I will continue to peel away at this superficial layers and distractions the flesh so intensely craves, until those around me, no longer see me but see Christ in me!
I also must painfully admit that these trials and tests we are living are tools that God is using to give me these desires of my heart. God is using pain and crisis to strip me of all of my self-reliance, self-sufficiency and worldly resources, so I will have no other choice but extend my arms to Him for help, cry my tears in total surrender and bend my knees in humility and submission to His plan and purpose. My story has already been written and although I don't know the whole story I know that God has a plan and it is a good plan.
"For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope." Jeremiah 29:11
I may not know the plans He has for me, but my trust falls on the fact that He knows, and that His plans are "good and not for disaster, to give me a future and a hope."
"Whoever confesses that Jesus is the Son of God, God abides in him, and he in God." 1 John 4:15
So I continue to sit in God's waiting room.
(see post: The waiting room)