Dare I surrender and say thank you
So I continue on this roller coaster ride as I try to figure God out. As I search and think, pray and cry, I am faced with a new challenge, a God-given challenge. The first challenge, which I am still deeply working on (which might be my problem in the first place) is a deeper trust in God and in His plan. This has not been easy since the course of my life, our lives as a family, as a couple has been dramatically re-routed. I want to talk about a new challenge God has placed in front of me, I am guessing this is to be added to the first challenge of deeper trust; it is gratitude. Can I honestly say thank you for everything that has been happening? Not if I am depending on my emotions or my present circumstances. Nothing to be thankful about here that's for sure! Of course you might say "aren't you thankful for waking up every morning?" Ha! Lately! Not really. Waking up has led to one exhausting, stressful, heart-breaking day after another. For those of you thinking I might try to take a shortcut to my Creator, relax, this is not an option for me. Besides, He would probably send me back to finish whatever has been started anyways.
Needless to say, these past few weeks have been exhausting and aggravating. Jumping from appointment to appointment, trying to coordinate childcare, answer all of the calls, take notes of all the calls, pick up meds, administer meds, don't mix up the meds or there will be bigger problems to deal with. I don't really talk about the part where I am watching the man I love wander around, lost, searching, anxious, trying to communicate but unable to find the words. We prayed together this morning and his prayer was "I am still waiting to wake up from this nightmare", boy does that sum it up! "God! can we wake up now?" "We promise, we won't whine or complain any more, please just allow us to wake up from this mess!"
Honestly, if there was ever a time to wave the white flag of surrender, for me, it is now! I am done trying to figure this out on my own, I don't know why this is happening and I can't fix it. I don't even have enough strength to stay mad at God. I give up! I have no other choice but to wake up, look up and dare I say....thank you God!
Philippians 4:6-7 says
"Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need and thank Him for all He has done. If you do this, you will experience God's peace, which is far more wonderful thank the human mind can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus."
"I thank You God that I am awake, that my kids woke up, that my husband woke up. I thank you for the patience I am going to gain today, the knowledge I will gain by talking to doctors, thank You for the strength to put one foot in front of the other today Lord. Thank you because You are walking with us as we go through this. Thank you that you don't give up on me every time I appear to have forgotten that You are in charge. Thank you for the opportunity to live out the vows I spoke 19 years ago "in sickness and in health", thank you for the strength and courage to do so. Lord I thank you because You are a sovereign God and You are our God, Our healer. You have the power to heal my son, You have the power to heal my husband, there is no doubt in my mind about that. However I also know that You are accomplishing Your plan and purpose through all of this pain, struggle, sickness."
No doubt this has been the most challenging tests I have ever had to face. I am sure my husband would say the same. We have been backed into a corner and the only two things we have left are to learn a deeper trust in God with it all and be thankful during this journey. A journey to where? No idea... the only comfort I have is that God knows.
Thank you to all who are praying for us, please keep praying. Thank you to all of you who choose to follow this blog, follow us during this journey to a deeper trust in God. I hope some how all of you can take something and apply to your own heart and life.